BDSM

Red Flags in BDSM

On BDSM advice forums, it’s pretty common to see someone asking, “So is this a red flag?” and then a bunch of people reply, “YES THAT’S A RED FLAG!!”🙂

So I thought it might be useful to have a list of common red flags in BDSM.

Now, just because something is often a red flag, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s going to be a bad idea for everyone.

Something that’s commonly a red flag for most people might be something that someone actually wants that they want to do in a safe, sane, and consensual context, for example.

But they should at least understand why something is commonly a red flag, and if it doesn’t apply to their particular situation, why it doesn’t apply.

Red Flags

• “Don’t worry, you don’t need a safe word.”
• Tops who don’t listen to safe words; bottoms who refuse to use safe words.
• “I have no limits.”
• “A true sub would…” or “A true dom would…”
• Refusing to admit mistakes or to accept constructive criticism; refusing to discuss problems, needs, wants, or limits; or not talking about the relationship.
• “Because I’m a ‘dom’, you should do what I ask for, without discussion or negotiation.”
• “Because I’m a ‘sub’, you should take responsibility for me, without discussion or negotiation.”
• Making demands, claiming someone as a dom or sub, or using dom/sub titles without prior discussion, agreement, or consent.
• Sending photos of genitalia without prior discussion or consent.
• Demanding nudes.
• Getting together to do a BDSM session with someone without having met them in person first.
• Abuse, crossing boundaries, or not taking responsibility while using “BDSM” as an excuse.
• Not understanding the difference between fantasy and reality.
• Claiming that letting something happen without saying “no” is consent.
• Claiming that it’s consent to say “yes” to something while drunk, being dominated, being pressured or intimidated, in subspace, hypnotized, or in the midst of sexual passion.
• Not being allowed to withdraw consent.
• Pushiness, pressuring, intimidation, or trickery (which hasn’t been negotiated or consented to).
• Practicing BDSM without a foundation of trust, communication, and consent.
• Being made to feel guilty or bad after making an honest mistake.
• Isolating someone from friends, family, other doms or subs, online media, or the local community.
• Using non-negotiated punishments.
• Non-negotiated disrespect of you, your friends or family, or other partners.
• Disregard for safety, limits, wants, and requirements.
• Prior history of abuse or violence.
• Someone reacting negatively to not getting what they want right away.
• Asking for or demanding money or gifts.
• Being unwilling to take things slow.
• Bringing up, being pushy, or attempting to renegotiate limits during play.
• Playing without aftercare when aftercare is needed.
• A partner who lies or practices deception.
• Failing to disclose information that impacts health and safety.
• Not knowing or disregarding common safety practices and protocols.
• Breaking or bending rules or boundaries you’ve established.

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