It may seem strange to associate peace and serenity with BDSM. After all, the classic style of BDSM is harsh, dark, the bad guy and suffering victim. Which, of course, many people find fun, much as many people enjoy horror movies.
Yet many people also find BDSM relaxing and comforting. How can that be? What’s going on, that someone can for example get tied up and be helpless, and finds to their surprise that they feel safe and relaxed?
Here‘s one possibility. Imagine a messy room, cluttered with extension cords going everywhere. Now take that same room and put the wiring behind the walls, getting rid of the clutter. The second room feels calmer and more relaxed.
Why? The wiring is the same. Nothing has changed, except that the wiring is now out of sight. Why does that make a difference?
Well, to the brain, anything in sight is one more thing that needs to be kept track of. Is that extension cord that I see out of the corner of my eye actually a snake? Am I going to trip over these wires? Is there something I can’t see behind the mess?
When we get tied up and can’t move, that’s one less thing for our brain to worry about. Our brain, in the background, subconsciously, is continuously evaluating every move we make, every move we’re about to make, every move that perhaps we should be making. Adroitly avoiding moving in a way that would hurt us or might put us in danger. Our brain is always on alert, always being careful, usually below the level of our conscious awareness.
When we can’t move, that part of our brain says, “Oh hey, I don’t have anything to do right now! Whee! This is fun.”
A top can enhance this feeling of peace and safety by taking on some of the responsibilities that their partner’s subconscious would normally be handling. For example, we hear a strange noise, and automatically turn and look. That’s our subconscious (which is always listening and watching for strange or possibly dangerous events) interrupting our conscious mind, ”Hey, something happened, go look and see that it isn’t a problem to worry about.”
So let‘s say, for example, the cat knocks over a book and it makes a noise. I can comment in passing, “oh, the cat knocked over a book.” It’s a small thing, but reassuring to my partner’s subconscious. I’m saying, ”Don’t worry, I’m looking out for things, you don’t need to.”
Copy & share: islehaven.me/peace-and-serenity
Send me a private email: [email protected]