Empathy as a top or a dom is useful for many forms of BDSM activities.
Whatever the scenario is, even if for instance roleplaying someone “evil”, it can help to be paying attention to the reactions of your partner.
This same empathy can sometimes lead to overreach.
To try to do too much.
Or to focus on your partner at the expense of your own needs.
Or to have weak boundaries.
You know how in the airplane pre-flight safety spiel, they say to put own your own oxygen mask before helping others?
Because you need to take care of yourself before you can help others.
If you pass out from lack of oxygen, you won’t be able to help your neighbors put on their mask.
When you find yourself overreaching, it’s time to make a course correction.
Whether that’s to slow down, to focus more on yourself, to pay more attention to your own needs, to maintain stronger boundaries, to spend more time in practice.
Sometimes, if you’ve gone far off course, a strong correction may be necessary. To take a class, reassess your relationship, to get therapy.
Sometimes, to make a big change, all that’s needed is the realization, “oh, I need to make a big change here, don’t I?”
Other times, ego is involved. To make a big change is to admit that you’ve made a mistake. Perhaps you’ll need to break some promises you’ve made. You may predict that some people might lose respect for you. You may predict that some people will be hurt or disappointed.
These predictions may be accurate.
With the benefit of hindsight, we can see that these negatives are necessary and temporary.
And, people can be more understanding than we realize. If we say, “I need to do something to take care of myself”, they might feel some disappointment, and yet still be supportive.
Or, if someone isn’t understanding of a need you have to take care of yourself, you may have to distance yourself. To say, “I’d like to be friends with you, or to be in a relationship with you, but I can’t practice BDSM with someone who doesn’t support me in meeting my own needs.”
Copy & share: islehaven.me/empathy-and-overreach
Send me a private email: [email protected]